Thankfully, one of the benefits of living in D.C. is that the Nigerian Embassy is literally 6 minutes from our home. On a whim, I went to the embassy, and was connected to a Diaspora program there (Stella, whom you saw on the show) that seeks to re-unite folks of Nigerian decent with their ancestral homeland. From there we were so fortunate to meet His Excellency Governor Udenwa, who at that time was the Minister of Commerce and Industry for the entire country. With his direct help, we were able to find, fully vet and confirm the connection to her birth family, and speak to her birth father for the first time last April, 2010. Ironically, Stacie and I were in South Africa at the time of their first conversation!! We would have never found this “needle in the haystack” without the official support of the Embassy, staff, and wonderful people of Nigeria!!

The most amazing parts of this story I will save for another time and place…but I might add that contrary to popular opinion, we photographed and filmed this trip entirely on our own, since we felt like our (Stacie’s) family story couldn’t be “owned” by anyone but Stacie. So we partnered with Silverbird Group, one of the largest media companies in Africa, who provided a full film crew that chronicled over 30 hours of high def footage as we visited Lagos, Abuja, the Nigerian capital, as well as Owerri, which is in the southeast part of the country, where we met her birth family. As I write this, we don’t know what the future holds as far as a Season 2, but HW or not, we look forward to sharing what is an emotional, beautiful, provocative, intriguing, and super surprising story of one person’s search to discover something deeper about themselves. OK I will stop rambling now! LOL. But thanks for all the love and well-wishes.

Oh and BTW, Stacie’s birth dad never asked me for a dowry; as I recall I joked about that myself on the reunion show, or a Bravo blog, exposing my own ignorance; before visiting the country and becoming more educated about its wonderful and deep customs. Papa (as we now call him) is a man of great honor in his community, highly educated in the States, who in fact shunned economic gain, and returned to his community to become a teacher; serving as the Principal of the village high school for 30+ years. I look forward to sharing more of our story, both video and pictures, in some form or fashion in near future. Again, thank you all for your interest and commentary; it is truly appreciated!!

Arik Airlines

Eko Hotels & Suites

Transcorp Hilton Abuja

Dena Burton Collection

Read Bravo’s Daily Dish: Stacie Turner Heads to Nigeria to Meet Biological Father

It’s so interesting that Nigeria has half the population of the United States—in a land area that is slightly more than twice the size of California.  That’s A LOT of people in a relatively small space—and I definitely felt the congestion in Lagos which felt like New York City on steroids.  But I loved the energy of Lagos!  I also visited Abuja and Owerri which have a completely different feel and lifestyle and enjoyed different aspects of each.  But what was MOST memorable—was the unbelievable hospitality, generosity and atmosphere of celebration that my travel companions and I received from literally everyone.

My experience was surreal, beginning with the flight on Arik Airlines; to being hosted by the Transcorpe Hilton and Eko Suites hotel, and a host of dignitaries.  From Lagos to Abuja to Owerri to Mbaitoli (my village), people who did not know me were celebrating my homecoming!  People were genuinely joyful that I was united with my family—and they embraced me as a daughter of Nigeria.  The outpouring of love, shown through song, dance and ceremony, was both overwhelming and humbling.

First, I met my sister (who lives in the US) in November and she and her family visited my home during Christmas.  En route to Owerri, I experienced the most amazing coincidence that settled any anxiety I might have felt.   The Arik Airlines plane that we boarded was named “Augustine”—my Papa’s name.  Wow!   The next day, meeting Papa for the first time was pure joy.  I look forward to spending more time with my 9 siblings and extended family in July when I visit with my children.

This journey was more than I could have imagined.  I am so thankful that my Nigerian friends encouraged me to pursue my search.  Initially, I hesitated because my birthmother said I would bring Papa great shame, which was never my intent.  I now know how “counter-culture” that was and thank God for making my dream come true.

2) What was your opinion about Nigeria before your visit?

Of course, I’ve heard all the stereotypes–email scams, business schemes, corruption and chaos–that seem to pervade the media about Nigeria and other African countries.  But what’s funny is that Nigerians recognize the “fraudsters” amongst themselves and even have a term for it “419”. But obviously, every country has wonderful people AND corrupt people.  Nigeria is no different – others are no better.

I have many Nigerian friends—many of whom I met while studying at Howard and Harvard Universities.  They gave me a glimpse into Nigerian culture and lifestyle.  But, it was not until I visited for myself, that I truly understood why Nigerians are so successful and resourceful.  It’s cultural – there is high value placed on education and being enterprising.  And it’s about tradition–there is an expectation and responsibility to elevate your family that is engrained in the society.

3) What motivated you to look for your biological father?

I didn’t think about it until 2001 when I was pregnant with my son and was diagnosed with the sickle cell trait.  For the first time I had a NEED to know medical history.  So I contacted the adoption agency to get non-identifying information (which typically includes medical history)—and surprisingly received a description that revealed that my birthfather was Nigerian and my birthmother Caucasian (of German and Finnish descent) having met in Nigeria in the ‘60s.   Having grown up in an African American household, this was shocking–and for the first time I wanted to know more.  Five years later, I found my biological mother.  Our communication ended when she refused to reveal my birthfather’s identity.   But thanks to the resourcefulness of my husband, meeting people that took an interest in my story (like the former Governor of Imo State, Achike Udenwa) and a sequence of unbelievable coincidences, it was my destiny to find Papa.

4) Now that you have found him, what impact will it have on you?

I am overjoyed to find that I have a father and large family that are open, welcoming and looking forward to building a relationship.   I grew up an only child, but now I have 10 siblings and a host of aunts, uncles, and cousins!  My children will grow up knowing their heritage and their full sense of self.  I was most touched by Papa giving us Nigerian names with meaning.  I am “Chimeruechem “(God has fulfilled my desire) and the Ada of the family; Jacob is “Ugonna” (father’s pride); and Catherine is “Ngozie” (blessing).  Having a full sense of my history and roots makes me feel complete and will make my kids stronger.

5) The Real Housewives of DC was a hit. What influenced your decision to join the cast?
The decision to appear on Housewives was a difficult one and a risk—given the negative perception of reality television overall and the dramatic nature of show which is often non-flattering.  As I teach my children—“chance favors the bold”—I stepped out on faith with the goal of using the show as an incredible marketing platform to promote my charity and business; show a positive image of a Black women and a stable black family to its audience of 35 million households.  In hindsight, the opportunity was far greater and more positive than I imagined.  I have been able to use my “celebrity” to bring awareness to the foster care issue nationally which has enabled my charity to expand faster and make a greater impact.  For example, I partnered with BET to create a documentary on DC foster care that has already aired in 54 countries (i.e. Africa, the Middle East, Europe and the US) and I have interfaced with US Congressman on education reform.

Personally, I have met incredible new people and I might not have made THE connection that ultimately led to the finding my birthfather.  Doing the show was a fun adventure – and I believe that life is richer as the result of seeing and doing new things.  I have endured the negatives as well – from hurtful public commentary to invasion of privacy to learning who my friends really are–but despite these challenges, the experience has been worthwhile.
6) You are so passionate about children especially teenage girls; does it have any connection with your childhood experiences?

I was blessed to be adopted from a foster care agency as a baby by wonderful parents that provided the foundational love, support and opportunities that enabled me to be successful.    Most foster teens have moved through multiple homes.  They are forced to manage life alone; without the guidance of a constant caring adult which normally shapes a child’s perception of self, sense of belonging and confidence to hope and dream.  In the search for love and security, young girls often fall victim to abuse, teen pregnancy, etc.—further lessening their odds of success.  These girls need a break… a chance in life too.  So, I founded Extra-Ordinary Life (www.extra-ordinarylife.org) to provide them the same type of opportunities that I received and seek to give to my own children.  We expose them to people, places and opportunities that inspire them to dream big and achieve their highest potential despite horrible circumstances.  The expectation is that XOL girls are properly nurtured and positioned for college and beyond.

7) The program took eight girls to 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa, what were the objectives of that trip?

Travel is an important vehicle to literally show our Girls that “the world is their oyster”.  For foster kids – most of whom have never been on a plane or travelled outside of Washington DC–a journey to an international destination, like South Africa, is eye opening and life changing.  The historic World Cup games were a backdrop to a broader cultural, social and community service oriented experience designed to expand the girls’ perception of the world, their lives, and to inspire them to dream BIG.  Their experiences ranged from interacting with orphan teens; to working with youth in a Soweto school; to being guests of honor at the home of the US Ambassador.  I wanted them to gain perspective on the challenges that others endure and overcome—and witness a spirit of generosity and hospitality that transcended material wealth.  And they got it.

8 ) What is the nugget that keeps you going in life?

I have grown up with the belief that “To much is given, much is expected”.  I have been blessed with a wonderful life and family and therefore have an obligation to “pay it forward” by always striving to improve self and make a difference in the world.  This keeps me grounded, motivated, thankful, and committed to living life to the fullest.

More than anything, I want to thank all the fans of Real Housewives of D.C.!!! You stayed with us week after week, and helped the DC show become one of the most watched first seasons in Bravo Housewives history!  It’s just baffling to think that millions of people are exposed to a seasonal slice of our lives.…and of our family’s lives…over only 10 hours of TV (more or less).  And from this sliver of edited tape, there are individual perceptions of who I am, who my husband is,  where we live, what we believe in.  But that’s the risk/reward that made this project truly extraordinary for us to do.  Jason and I aren’t going out scared.  Not our style. This is REAL for us folks, as fake as it may seem at times on TV.  We promised ourselves we were going keep it authentic.  In retrospect, I can honestly say that I own 99% of what is seen on the screen, the good, bad, and the ugly. Whatever happens, or doesn’t happen….it’s all good!

I LOVE MY FANS!!  Honestly–to say “my fans” is so difficult for me to articulate aloud or to write.  Truly, the opportunity to express one’s self and share from within to millions of people was a crazy, scary, unforeseen leap of absolute faith.  Reading your questions and comments on Bravotv.com forces me to honestly channel my inner Salahi (see “Salahi-ism”) to a level that is, at times, uncomfortably delightful!!  Over the season, I took notes on some of the questions and comments that struck me most.  For your information, I share my TOP 10 FAN COMMENTS OF THE SEASON with you today (in no particular order):

1.  Comment:  “I’m a real housewife from Kentucky.  My husband works in the coal mines and I’m a homemaker and mom.  I know we can’t relate to each other’s lifestyles but….”. RESPONSE:  More than anything, Jason and I love to meet new, interesting, and different people, from ALL walks of life.  Do you like to cook?  Do you have kids? Do you work your butt off everyday like I do? I think we have ALOT to talk about.  While I only like what comes OUT of mines, Jason loves that kind of stuff…he would go to work with your husband for a day if the boss allowed! I would like to see us doing more “real life” shots, dealing with real stuff and real people…and less fashion shows, etc.  Real life is more interesting, in my opinion, and I, much like the fan from Kentucky, have a TON going on daily!!
2. Comment: “Thank you for representing a positive image of African Americans on TV…”.  RESPONSE:  Anyone who has seen my blog has read these words in some form, and often.  I hate to pull the “race card” as was said during the season, but race matters, especially on TV.  For blacks and stereotypes in the media, we run the full gamut from the Cosby Family to the Obama Family, without much remarkably positive in between.  Of course, only one of those families is real.  Our fears of storyline negativity first made us turn down Half Yard Productions emphatically; in fact I was the last HW to join the cast, months after the others.  We changed our minds because we wanted to show our reality, which by the grace of God, is (at this time) is thankfully positive! The fact that most of my fans AA fans say to me “you represented us so well in the show” is a flattering but sad reality.  I know exactly what they mean. 
3. Comment:  “Stacie you were a rude host by allowing Erika to attack Cat, and especially in front of her children!” RESPONSE:  I have two thoughts.  First, I agree that adults should mind their behavior if children are in the vicinity.  I was handling the other 4 kids in the house (i.e. mine, Erika’s and Mary’s)  which is why I was not present in the foyer.  It was terribly inappropriate for the interaction to play out in front of children.  No doubt.  HOWEVER, Cat should not have not allowed herself to be emotionally vulnerable in front of her children either; as children react more to the vibes they are getting from their parents than ANY stranger.  Further, it’s ironic that Cat “attacks” Micheale in the finale (to which many fans cheered).  Bottom line:  If you can dish it, be prepared to take it.  I’m just sayin…
4. Question:  “Do you think Cat’s racist?” RESPONSE:  I am still shocked by how much run that episode had in the minds of the fans!  NOBODY called Cat a racist—yet the question is asked over and over.  Honestly (and I know some won’t be able to handle this) but this season’s dialogue and response shows how much more there is to talk about when it comes to race in America.  Just because someone may be uncomfortable around a new and unfamiliar environment doesn’t mean they are discriminating against them!  Case in point:  when I go to Nigeria, I promise you I may appear VERY uncomfortable considering everything will be new to me:  new food, new customs, new wine, new clothes! Some people in my new family, may initially think I am rude, stuck up, or “maybe I have a problem being around Nigerians”!  That wouldn’t make me a racist; just uncomfortable in new surroundings.  Fortunately, I love being in new surroundings—and it’s not likely, that I will either leave early or not eat the food.
5. Question:  “Why do you not talk about your white birth mother the way you talk about your birth father – are you ashamed of being white?” RESPONSE:  I am PROUD of my entire heritage…which is why I sought it out.  At times now when I feel alone from an immediate family perspective (not counting my wonderful in-laws) it’s really not hard for me to wonder who out there might care to know that I’m here living and breathing – and I could care less what they look like, trust me.  My birth mother made it crystal clear to me that she wants to keep me and my existence a secret—so I respect her wishes and moved on.
6. Comment:  “I liked you Stacie, until I learned about your position regarding gay marriage.  Why don’t you believe in equality for everyone?” RESPONSE:  I DO believe in human equality on everything.  All people should have the same right to live life, love, and legally unite in love with the person(s) of their choice, without restriction, differentiation or discrimination.  That said, my own definition of marriage remains that of a union of one man and one woman.  Another case in point: I have recently learned that my father took 2 wives in Nigeria.  Polygamy is a legally and religiously acceptable practice of marriage for many in Nigeria.  This means I will wholeheartedly accept whomever my father would introduce to me as his wife; yet and still, Jason better not get any ideas!!
7. Question:  “Do you one day hope to unite with your birth mom?” RESPONSE:  Yes, of course I do.  But that ball is entirely in her court.  I, like many comments logged by fans, can only imagine the incredible circumstances she undertook to give birth to me, perhaps alone, in 1967 Washington, DC.  There may be a lot she would have to atone for in order to have an open relationship with me, and I understand that, especially if she did not want to keep “the secret” with her immediate family any longer.  I am at peace either way and respect her desire not to pursue a relationship at this time. 
8. Question:  “So what was it like when you first spoke to your birth father?  Has he been in touch with your birth mother?  Did he know you were born?  Do you have any brothers and sisters in Nigeria? Are you going to Nigeria?” RESPONSE:  Tune into the REUNION show starting this Thursday where I give answers!  Again, thanks so much to Bravo HW fans for rooting me on in this process….solving my birth puzzle has been the single most rewarding aspect of doing the show.  And it was real:  when I started taping, I did not know anything.  INCREDIBLE, amazing things followed that meeting seen with Stella from the Nigerian Embassy.  As I said, she is my angel and my sister.  Jason and I now routinely attend functions at the Embassy and in the Nigerian community, where I have been 100% accepted.  BIG shout outs to the Nigerian-American community, and to my newly found brothers and sisters both in the U.S. and in Nigeria!!
9. Question:  “Would you do a Season 2?” RESPONSE:  Let’s Watch What Happens!  It was enjoyable but Jason and I will cross that bridge if/when we come to it.
10. Question:  “Where’s the drama?  Your show is a snore-fest.”  RESPONSE:   I can think of many adjectives I’ve read describing other HW’s and most of those would not apply to us, regardless of our unique choices, some good, some bad.  Overall, I think we bring a different type of drama to the Housewives franchise…we buck the expected Bravo system….and I think that’s what is cool and good about our show.  The numbers suggest it is resonating with our fans, lots of whom are completely new Housewives viewers.  I agree with Andy: what’s the good of the shows being predictably the same? Now THAT would be boring. 

P.S.: Question:  “Final thoughts on the Salahi’s?” RESPONSE:  See “Salahi-ism” (in the Episode 6 blog).  Enough said.

One of my greatest joys in the 20 years Stacie and I have been together, has been leading the effort to find her birth parents. Funny story, I told her years ago that I was going to find them.  She laughed back then.  Now look where we are baby!! We are off to Nigeria in November.  With the trips we made to South Africa this year for Stacie’s charity, Extra-Ordinary Life, this trip will be our third to the African continent in 7 months!! Real talk:  this is scary for Stacie.  It’s crazy seeing the back and forth between excitement and fear that Stacie goes through with this real-life reunion on the horizon.  A point I must clear up from the show:  I did not “sneak” into the Nigerian Embassy with the pizza man! I didn’t know anyone, and truly did NOT have an invitation!  There are huge security gates around the entire perimeter of the building, and as Stacie said, the pizza man was coming out at the same time.  But for all of my MacGyver/Jack Bauer tactics, I was instructed, on my way out, that the gate door was open anyway – it was during office hours!! My unending gratitude to Stella, my sister from a different mister, without whose help and personal involvement this story, still unfolding, might still be untold.

One last thing:  Reality costs.  I have been advised that I may need to bring my checkbook to meet Stacie’s father in Nigeria. She is the eldest of his 11 children, total.  I wonder:  Is Stacie worth 3 cows or 4?

“Got To Be Real”

A little piece of trivia:  this is Stacie’s FAVORITE song by Cheryl Lynn from back in the day.  Guess what?? This show stuff, at least what we shot, ain’t fake.  Planned out and scheduled, yes, but not fake.  I’ve had so many of my friends and family say “do they give you lines, or tell you when to laugh….feed you jokes, etc.?”  I read a show recap article in the Post after using the words “racially agnostic” during the Facebook email convo Stacie and I were writing– which truly came out of my mouth from nowhere…but made perfect since to me at the time – where the columnist says, “they really do give the husbands the best lines.”  What?!?! That’s crazy.  I was offended worse than when Andy called me Ebong!!

And that’s what I think is so interesting about this show business….that “reality” is stranger than make believe.  I definitely didn’t realize how true that was before doing this show, and the people we met while doing it.  If producers could even dream up the storyline, they would NEVER come up with some of the antics viewers see play out. Gate crashing?  Come on!! That’s why we love to hate these shows.  In “fake” TV, the script makes you believe that someone else’s grass is greener. In “reality” TV, we see their grass is burnt brown, like ours.  Maybe a lot worse than ours, in fact. You notice how reality show characters disappoint in some way constantly, yet we still love them (in some cases)?  To deep for you, huh? My bad…I’m new to this blogging thing.

Cat Nip

I think Cat’s cool. She’s smart and quick witted; has a wicked fun sense of humor, and no, she’s not a racist.  I really hope we can put that to bed, really.  But we won’t be able to.  Nope.  I just saw a blog today where Cat is on her defensive/offensive about race. How real do you want it? Here’s my opinion, straight no chaser:  Sure Cat hates the Salahi’s for messing up her White House dreams (and maybe a bite out of an apparently declining marital bliss), but I think her Tyra impersonation is the new “neck-roll” Caucasian classic, even more than Mary’s “gurrfren” and “integrated salons” rambling.  Dinner at Aunt Frances’, the basement scene and Stacie’s “uncomfortable” commentary, and finally, the confrontation with Erika, were arguably the most compelling parts of Cat’s storyline.  And I won’t mention Cat using the word COLORED (OK, I guess I just did). Ironically, the “race card” put Cat on the Real Housewives map.  You’re welcome, gurrfren. LOL

Salahi-ism

We were preparing to go to the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation dinner (as invited, ticket-holding guests) that coming weekend, and several friends in town were clowning us like, “are the Turner’s crashing the CBC?” And Stacie was like, nope, no Salahi-ism in this camp!!” I laughed so hard that night at home over my favorite meal (spaghetti), when Stacie came up with this term.  And it’s not mean in my opinion, just dead-on accurate. I truly wish Tareq and Michaele all the best with life and Oasis, which I would love to see reborn.  And as a side note, I never want to see Michaele’s face cry again.  Ever.

JET

Desperation is what I’m feeling in this episode.  I’m pressed to find a man somewhere in Nigeria, the most populace of all African nations.  Statistically, 1 in 4 Africans are Nigerian!  Of course, I don’t even know for sure that my birth father is even in Nigeria…he could literally be anywhere in the World as Nigerians often leave to live in Europe, as well as the U.S.  So there’s a lot working against me, but what I do have are pictures – sent from my birth mother shortly after we made contact.  For the first time in my life, I was able to see pictures of myself as a newborn:  pictures of my birth mother at the time of my birth, and of her wedding day, the black and white photo encasing the face of a pretty young woman. 

Equally intriguing were the color email photos (clues) of a man my birth mother describes as my paternal grandparents.  Not so fast though….my husband Jason, the resident car expert (Jason knows and loves EVERYTHING related to cars) was quick to note that a car in the background is an 80’s period Acura Legend….a classic in its day he tells me!  Quick math tells me this CAN’T be my father’s father in this picture….so the plot thickens….as well as my distrust of my birth mom.  The pictures are an incredible start…clearly she thought this would pacify me, that it should be enough for me to see pictures.  Instead I only got more determined.  And HOW does she have fairly recent pictures of him? A date stamp says 2001!! Is she still in contact with him after 40 years??  It appears so — and now I am pissed.  For sharing invaluable photos, I am forever indebted to my birthmother.  This is why I felt so conflicted going against her wishes and deciding to find my birthfather despite her unwillingness to assist and pleas to abandon the search.  But it is what it is…..no turning back now.

 The feeling of being at a forced “dead-end”, and Jason’s ability to understand that pain, drove us to that Facebook contact.  Thankfully, as you saw, nothing ever came of it.  Knowing what I know in the present, I cringe to think about that action I took those months ago!!  Thank goodness we live in D.C. where nearly every country in the world has an Embassy.  And because the Nigerian Embassy is less than 10 minutes from my house, one road came to an end,  while a 3-lane highway opened up for me.  It was Jason’s idea to reach out to the Embassy (which btw–I thought was a crazy idea at the time)… and one day without an appointment or any relationships, he walked in (with the pizza man) and met my angel Stella.  At the time, Stella ran a program within the Embassy to “claim” Americans of Nigerian decent, and in some cases like mine, re-introduce us to the culture, traditions and family legacy of Nigeria.  As you saw, not only did Stella meet with us, but she is Igbo, from the same area of the country, as I my birth father !  I can’t begin to describe how much of a 180 my heart and mind did in 2 seconds!! I went from doubt and despair to hope and faith that my journey would have a happy ending…..and that despite time, distance, and circumstance, I WILL find my birth father – wherever he is. 

Jason is my rock – he is ALWAYS so positive and encouraging.  He never gave up the faith and kept me believing even when it seemed all was lost.  He always seems to make a way out of no way.  I love that man!

Burkina Faso

On another note, I was bummed to miss the fashion show sponsored by Burkina Faso and managed by Lynda’s agency.  It looked like an incredible event with beautiful clothes and culture.  Lynda’s dress was hot!  Bad timing on our social schedules that night though — It just so happened that we had committed to attend a function hosted that same evening by the South African Embassy.  As some of you may know, my charity, Extra-Ordinary Life, was preparing to take a group of foster teens to South Africa in just a few months, so it was important to be there.  Again, one of the truly unique aspects of the city is its access to embassies from literally every country in the world.  I love that viewers are getting a sense of new cultures—and how our lives can be enriched by opening ourselves to different cultural experiences!

Where’s that invite?

Oh wait….Tareq says you don’t need one! Hold on folks—the ride begins.  Watching it, I am tripping that they are seeming 100% confident that they are invited and should be at the White House that fateful evening.  You can’t sneak in wearing a bright red sari!  What you didn’t hear in my phone call to Micheale (as she rode to the white house dinner) was, “How did YOU get invited?”  After all, it’s arguably the 300most important people in the world, and (no offense, but just keeping it real) I was shocked that the Salahis were in that group.  I would continue to be shocked in coming days.  More on this next week…… 

Our hearts our heavy

It has been an emotional 48 hours for the Turner family.  We discovered this past Tuesday that our 14 year old lab Cairo (aka my first “child”) had a huge tumor in his spleen, and we had to make the difficult decision to put him to sleep on Friday.  I’m soooo sad—I know most dog lovers can relate.  Jason and I drove from Kansas City, where we lived in 1996-7, to the middle of Iowa to get Cairo as a puppy when we got engaged.  He was the best dog ever and we miss him terribly.  Our house has a terrible emptiness without him……rest in peace good boy!!

How Do YOU Define Marriage?
In case you missed the show recap, here’s the Stacie and Jason Turner
definition (without any context):

Marriage: A sacred religious ritual uniting one man and one woman in holy matrimony.

Like many, Jason and I share Christian-based values, nurtured from childhood and treasured by both of our families. I grew up and got married in the Catholic Church, before joining the African Methodist Episcopal (AME) denomination with Jason, who grew up in the AME church.  Security in our personal beliefs gives us the strength to share them publically at the risk of rebuke; and allows us to love, honor and respect those who hold different beliefs, while maintaining our own. Statements like “I used to like you” and “Why go there?” now blare on Twitter and blog commentary. I don’t
believe in “Don’t ask, Don’t tell”. You asked, so I’ll tell.

Candor and honesty builds understanding and trust in any forum. That’s why
I so appreciate and respect Councilmember David Catania for hosting this
discussion on civil marriage equality at City Hall. As a representative for
ALL DC residents, he set a tone of openness and tolerance for everyone. The
vibe he set compelled Jason and I to honestly share a deep personal
conflict: reconciling our religious teachings with our support of basic
human rights, and doing so on a nationally televised forum. It would’ve
been so much easier/safer to just go with the flow on the spot . . . voicing only our belief in human equality and equal rights under the law for ALL, yet be silent on our religious beliefs about what marriage means to us personally.  But that’s not the lesson we are striving to teach our children – which is for them to be honest, tolerant, critical thinkers who are not afraid to share and learn.  Most importantly, it wouldn’t have been real.

I check (challenge) MYSELF first.

We believe in everyone’s fundamental right to Life, Liberty and the
pursuit of Happiness, as Lolly reminds us on the show. There is a big
difference between knowing what you stand for. . . . your heart-felt values, and your ability to have real empathy, respect, tolerance, and understanding, even for those whose values may be completely different than yours.  As we are all imperfect, this is naturally tough to do. Real talk — I’m pretty good at the last part; but I’m still learning about, and hard-checking MYSELF: striving to be a better, stronger, and more enlightened person.  I’m still alive, so I’m still a work in progress!

 Just like Lynda’s family (dare I say most families?) we have gay family members.  At age 15, Jason’s sister confided in me (before anyone else in the family) that she was a lesbian.  She knew that we would not judge her; rather love and support her regardless of whatever. Once he knew, I remember Jason telling her that he didn’t care who she chose as a partner, gay or straight, as long as they were a positive, loving force in her life. We stand on the same principles today for our own children.  And when/if she chooses to get married, Jason will be the same happy and proud big brother (and me the sister) regardless of whom she chooses. My sister in law knows, but
doesn’t care about our personal definition of marriage, because she feels
our total support, respect, and acceptance of her individuality. Love
doesn’t require agreement; just acceptance. (I’m feeling very Lynda-y right
now…that’s why I dig her!).

“A-PAUL-ed.”

My usually open-minded, seemingly tolerant friend Paul disappointed me greatly in his post-discussion Interview. With a suspicious and troubling tone, he seems to conclude that perhaps he “shouldn’t be friends” with me if I don’t share his personal values. Huh?? Perhaps he prefers the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” model of the military. Now I’m sure Paul hates the discriminatory practice of this policy as much as I do; but ironically, his primetime example of “snap” judgment, and overall vibe of intolerance, enflames but does not educate; something the Councilmember warns us against.  That vibe seeks to shut down differences, not understand them. Gay or straight, reactions like his are what some of the most conservative members of Congress and Pentagon brass use to stoke fear and stifle needed change. I believe the opposite:  that we must bravely engage each other, openly discuss the hard issues, learn, and then accept and/or tolerate our differences. I pick my friends based on how they treat me, not how much they agree with me.

It’s ironic that while the Housewives are on TV discussing gay rights and
equality with our local officials, this week in real time the Senate has
just re-squashed efforts to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” legislation.
Essentially, it seems that Congress and the military don’t want there to be
open, honest dialogue about the rights of ALL soldiers.  Gay men and women
who put their lives on the line for their country should not have to defend
themselves from their country based on fear and ignorance. Discrimination
or lack of equality in ANY area of human rights, and certainly in public
service, is just plain WRONG!!

Cat Fight

As if in surreal slow motion, I watch as the pot boils over with Cat and
Erika.  Drama at a kids ice cream social—OMG!  Although the time and place was inappropriate, I understood where Erika was coming from.  You too have witnessed the brash, impolite, sometimes mean comments that Cat has unleashed.  And Erika called it on the carpet.  I was most surprised by Cat’s reaction – - crumbling, crying and involving her kids. I expected the
“tough girl with the quick tongue” to tell Erika to “kiss her a—” and keep it moving. I know Erika as a good friend–and a very direct person with a kind spirit. She’d just had enough.  Most of us have had a moment when someone took you “there”. 

Lessons learned: 1) If can you dish it — be prepared to take it and 2) tolerance (once again). While there is no excuse for bad behavior, seek FIRST to understand. 

Bottom line: LOVE yourself; have the COURAGE to show respect and tolerance for ALL.  On this, can we all agree?

THERE’s MORE!  Catch the evolution of the conversation and real end to the story at http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-dc/season-1/videos…. as ALL the Housewives  celebrate the passage of the Gay Marriage Equality bill in DC. 

(n) 1. a condition of, or pertaining to total self-centeredness; 2. A mental state; characterized by absolute pre-occupation with oneself and/or self-interests. See also: narcissism.

The craziest people in the world, the ones who really do the most damage, ironically, are the same ones who believe that they are completely sane; that it’s the rest of us who are crazy!!  When their craziness is exposed, they see themselves as the victims, not the offenders.  The rules of society that most of us abide by, regardless of culture, are completely irrelevant to the condition of Salahi-ism.

Tareq works extremely hard to convince others that he’s the blue-blood Virginia gentleman:  Polo player, wine maker, global connoisseur, philanthropist, and overall bon vivant, married to the tall, cute blonde.  In HIS mind, he’s wealthy, polished and knowledgeable; he’s THE winner everyone wants to be.  Equal parts Ralph Lauren and Hugh Heffner, he’s “the most interesting man in the world.” Michaele is his enabler; she reinforces the crazy and validates the crazy as normal. Together, they are convinced that they are THE couple everyone wants to be around.  She has a Ritz hotel room key, a white stretch limo, and a horse named Sparkle to prove it.  He has Oasis and a dream.  Tareq and Michaele are perfect for one another! 

“Something about Mary”

We didn’t know the Salahis previously.  They seemed cool, we shared similar interests, kicked it in Paris; we basically gave them the benefit of any doubt.  That was then, this is now.  For Jason and me, family is the most important thing in our lives.  All jokes stop when dealing with family.  Our commitment to our kids, their values and experiences is, like most sane people, our number one priority in life.  So when Tareq launched into a tirade of criminal allegations against Lolly, on national TV no less, we were shocked and horrified at the same time.  All we could both think of was how literally sick to our stomachs we would be, if we were in Mary’s shoes.  All I could imagine was my husband flying across the table and whippin’ some a– if Tareq even thought to say something crazy about our kids.  What kind of man attacks a woman, especially without the presence of her man?  Like Rich says, there are some SERIOUS man rules being violated here.  Rich and Mary are lovely people—and Jason really likes Rich.  Both men are so funny and sarcastic–which as Mary says can get on our nerves sometimes…..but a man with a sense of humor IS sexy isn’t it??

I don’t knowingly deal with shady, shaky or suspect people; but now finding out about all the people the Salahis have charmed (read: tricked) in recent months (years), all I can say is that the Turners are in good company, and will not be fooled again.

Cat Out of the Bag

I loved the scene with Cat and her kids finding something outrageous to wear to the stuffy healthcare forum.  TV could not capture how truly hysterical the moment was when she arrived at the party dressed as Sarah Palin.  Too funny—just what a boring party needs to pep it up.  This is side of Cat’s personality that I really like.  She is not afraid to do the unexpected – say what’s on her mind (i.e. as she shares her opinion on healthcare and Republicans to a Republican.  Say it to her face – with no shame.  Edwina was so not ready for the directness.  I’ve gotten used to it—and rather like it.  In time, I have seen the authentically fun, endearing side of Cat’s personality. Now while I still believe that she is impulsively inappropriate in many situations, she is also extremely smart, funny, and deeply sensitive.  We can see that the death of her close friend was extremely difficult, especially when Cat is thousands of miles away from her extended support system.  My heart really went out to her.  I can vouch for the fact that Jade and Ruby are delightful, smart, and highly poised young ladies for their ages.  Still, adult reactions to death and grieving must be hard for an 11 year old to digest…..

Lynda – The Southern Baptist Jewish Astrological Love Child

Lynda is a naturally sweet person who genuinely tries to live according to “energy based principles”.  In fact, I love being in her company because she always exudes such positive energy.  I actually wish Jason and I had some of that sage blessing when we first gut renovated our house 10 years ago!  I was flattered that Lynda called talk to me about her plans to purchase a home in Virginia.  She called me as a friend first—who happens to know the real estate market.  So I felt compelled to express to her my surprise that she was leaving her FAB-U-LOUS condo (can I say huge, waterfront, prime location, amazing views, etc.) to move to the suburbs seemed extreme.  I didn’t like seeing myself seeming to “bash” Virginia, where I’m a licensed real estate agent.  Besides, I grew up in Virginia, love Virginia wine, my hubby is a UVA alum, Aunt Frances is in Virginia—we are VA loving peopleJ–just loving living in the city, right now.  To be clear:  I was not a fan of Virginia for Lynda – knowing her lifestyle and (selfishly) knowing that I would no longer enjoy cocktails on her balcony overlooking the Potomac.  Lynda is so connected to the city—running  a DC based business and having a very active social and civic life—that I wanted to make sure she had fully thought thru the lifestyle changes—which are equally important as making a smart investment decision.   I am just happy that Linda and her family are happy—and know that her new home will be as inviting and warm as the previous.  I can’t wait for the housewarming party!

I can’t leave a Lynda discussion without sharing my thoughts about Lynda and Ebong as a couple.  I love low-maintenance people who are happy, which is what comes through when you hang out with them.  They have that real, easy, laid back, “love is good” feeling that you can maintain with a boyfriend – she’s had enough experience to know a husband is a little more complicated.  I love Jason to death, but I am a big fan of her relationship “boot camp” for men idea!  Where do I sign him up? Gotta keep your man in shape!!

Real Estate for Dummies

For real, I am no joke when it comes to my real estate practice.  I love the benefits of the profession – the freedom of running your own business and unlimited income potential – but it comes with a price.  Any successful agent knows this gig can be tough on family, as I routinely put in 50+ hours per week.  I work nights and weekends on the regular—so sadly, I miss many dinners with the family.   Sunday brunch after church?  I think not – got an open house from 1-4!  Needless to say, my time is valuable, and I don’t waste a minute of it. 

When talking real estate, I draw a thick line between business and personal.  As a friend, I can freely give my personal opinion (like saying I don’t see the Virginia suburbs for Lynda’s lifestyle).  As a realtor, my personal opinion doesn’t matter; I work to meet my clients’ objectives wherever (i.e. McLean is a great buy).  I am always happy to talk to friends and family about real estate matters, but I also recommend caution when considering hiring an agent you know too personally. As a buyer’s agent, that friend must be willing to share their most sensitive financial information with you, which can be difficult for some (mission impossible:  Salahi).  When listing a friend’s home, it can be difficult to explain why you think your friends place isn’t anywhere close to what they think it’s worth! This is why I am extremely numbers based as a professional – the market dictates value, not your faux-painted accent wall.

I somewhat reluctantly went out house-hunting with Tareq and Michaele.  Defunct (but gorgeous) wineries don’t generate cash flow, and last I checked, charities (even ones about polo) were supposed to give money, not take it.  Michaele didn’t grow up at the Kennedy compound, or come from wealth that I am aware of – so I am SERIOUSLY doubting their money making mojo!  An $8 million dollar home? Are you kidding me? For perspective, a qualified buyer will need proof of income around $2.0 million annually to even entertain a contract.  Regardless of price, my serious buyers are prepared, and quickly produce such documents. Know this:  your buy/sell agent’s market reputation is a BIG factor at the table.  People know that my clients can do the deal. I am baffled about what “business” they can work this deal through.  Time is money.  I don’t have time, and now, I don’t believe they have money.  See “Salahi-ism” above. 

Legitimate clients, please go to www.stacieturnerhomes.com.  My team and I are at your service.

Facebook Family

Jason promised me years ago, just after my Dad died in 1999, that he was going to find my birth parents for me.  I thought that was sweet of him, but did not think much more about it.  Of course, in retrospect, I should have known that my husband’s resourcefulness, creativity, and love for me would make it happen.  The problem with knowledge is that once you have it, you want more of it.  And especially when it comes to who I am….who my children are…..and those whom I don’t know but whose presence I can sense in some weird way.  Jason has been very patient with me over the years of this search.  He understands that I want this knowledge more than anything, but that it is also scary as hell to confront a past and future that is totally unclear, and potentially painful. 

I was so shocked when Jason discovered my birth mom’s son on Facebook.  I mean technology is so crazy!  Here my birth mom is keeping me from what I feel is MY story, and my blood family!  I am so deeply appreciative of her sacrifice…..she could have easily aborted me.  That action of carrying me to term says so much about who my birth mother is, and the tough choices she made in a tough period of time in the mid-sixties.  The thought of connecting with her son on Facebook seems so devious to me, kind of like I am breaking the “rules” in some major way. Yet, FB is the people connection tool of the 21^st century…..like me not getting in a car because I might drive past her house (since I know her address, this has crossed my mind).  It’s crazy how birth-mommy imagination-TV plays in my head.  Sometimes the mental show is happy, deeply appreciative to someone I don’t know; other times its anger on demand!  We’ll see what happens with this route…..I mean it’s just a friend request….he won’t even know who I am right??  More than anything, at that time, that day, reaching out on Facebook really shows the urgency, and increasing anger that I feel about getting the full truth – by any means necessary.

Who Am I?
A little history: Just after midnight on Valentine’s Day in 2007, Jason surprised me by showing me, for the first time in my life, the full name and picture of my birth mother. From that moment, my desire, my need to know the full story of my biological reality moved from the back burner to top three on my life’s bucket list.

After months of letters, pictures, emails, all communication ended in the first (and last) phone call with my birth mother. She flatly refused to provide a name or any info that would enable me to find my birth father. But it’s all good — I fundamentally respected my birth mother’s privacy and understand her desire (fear) to protect loved ones unaware of her self-described “secret”. I was content knowing who and where she is, with a clearer picture of my biological heritage (well, half of it anyway). I grew up an only child; now, the prospect of siblings at age 43? In Nigeria? WOW! I yearned to make contact … to connect. Ironically, our communication gave me a sense of just how similar we might be, both stubborn at least. The disappointment only strengthened my resolve to get ALL the information – with or without her help.

So I decided to keep it really real during the taping by fully sharing what was going on in my life, my mind, and my heart during this exciting, difficult, confusing period. In no way am I ashamed of being adopted — in fact, quite the opposite. I grew up thinking that I was in fact more special than most kids, because my parents actually “chose” me! As an adult, I know that my birth mother (and all women who choose to give a child up for adoption), are angels. Adoption is a truly selfless act of love. I am eternally grateful for the chance she gave me, to belong to a wonderful family who provided all I believe she wanted for me, but could not herself provide. While I have absolutely no desire to inject myself into her daily life (think: Guess Whos Coming to Dinner?), I am deeply affected by her firm, frank decision to keep the identity of my birth father from me. I remain hopeful that once he knows I exist, he might welcome and accept a relationship of some sort with me and my children.

Who are THEY?
On a much lighter note, we head to a grape stomp at Oasis Vineyard. All the ladies were invited—and all accepted but Lynda—who I respect for not pretending she could stomach the Salahis. Cat—was being Cat. Despite a clear disdain for the hosts she accepted their invitation, and entertained with “bitchy” comments, followed by an early exit. Is there a pattern here? A hilarious scene you didn’t see was Cat bringing store bought grapes and bottles of wine into the limo — in mocking anticipation of there not being any grapes or wine at the Vineyard. CLASSIC! There was real debate about what we were going to see at Oasis. Cat would prove prophetic.

Jason and I were vaguely familiar with stories in the local media about a family feud over the vineyard, so we knew the winery had been defunct for a few years, and that the idea of a grape stomp at a “grape-less” vineyard seemed outrageous. It appeared that the Salahis bought grapes from the supermarket (OK — let’s say farmers market) just as Cat had predicted. Unlike real winemaking grapes, the skin of the grapes was so thick, you couldn’t stomp out any juice! Regardless of my future as a grape stomper, the outdoor experience was fun. The combination of curiosity, food, drink, and fall mountain foliage still trumped skepticism. The climate in the limo on the ride out to Oasis was almost all about the Salahis, and anything but complimentary (surprise). I was completely shocked to hear Jason Baake’s reflections on the “crash” of the CBC gala. Sneaking thru the kitchen? Casing out empty seats? WHAT? This is all sounding CRAZY, but the fact that Tareq and Michaele traveled across an ocean and gave love to our family event – won them the benefit of our RAPIDLY increasing doubt. The mama drama that warranted a security detail was totally unexpected by everyone, this is not “Vineyard in the Hood.” What is up?

But despite the security drama, the Doberman, the dried-up vines and cobwebs, Oasis Vineyards, the real estate, is gorgeous. Set against the backdrop of the Blue Ridge Mountains and Skyline Drive, with a lake and acres of vines as far as you can see, there is little doubt that Oasis was a thriving business in its hey day. The weather was ideal; the sunset was incredible as we sipped wine on the observation deck. Inside welcomes visitors to a large, open lodge and huge stone hearth (I have a fireplace, this was a hearth) for dinners, receptions, tastings, etc. Downstairs, you find the operational guts of the place: a huge underground, temperature controlled concrete bunker with vintage Italian imported vats, automated bottling/corking machines, and racks of wine holding hundreds of bottles. It was impressive, yet dormant. More than wine and equipment, most intriguing to me was the decades old family memorabilia on the wall: photos of Tareq as a tot riding horses and farming the land with his dad; trophies, medals, and newspaper clippings acknowledging Tareq’s polo accomplishments and the quality wines produced at Oasis. It was sad to see a place where love and family once thrived, now left to deteriorate. Jason and I chose to appreciate the positive — the scenery, the hospitality, the silly grape stomp experience, the catered dinner in the wine cellar and the Oasis wine, which had aged nicely!

No question, at this point, we are seeing “holes” in the Salahi story, and are questioning who we are dealing with. Micheale goes on the offensive with Mary (“who never talks about or judges anybody”). Can’t wait to see what comes next…

Before Real Housewives of D.C., (unlike the other ladies and Paul), Jason and I had never met the Salahis or had any interaction with them personally or professionally. We knew nothing about them: their finances, their history, how they roll, none of that. I suppose we could have “researched” them, but who does that? We don’t.

You can probably tell by now, we love wine. So at Mary’s birthday dinner, when I discovered that the Salahis said that they owned a winery (Oasis) and that Tareq said he was an “Ambassador” for the Virginia Wine Association, I invited them to visit Sugarleaf Vineyards, owned by our good friends Lauren and Jerry Bias. Every fall, they host friends and family for a harvest party on their 130-acre vineyard outside Charlottesville, Virginia. We take the kids down for tractor rides, great food, and for the adults — wine sippin’ all day (no driving). Make no mistake: Sugarleaf Vineyards is LEGIT. Their wine was served by the White House at the 2010 Governor’s Ball!

In retrospect, I wonder if the Salahis were expecting a red carpet affair at Sugarleaf, because they rolled up in a big white stretch limo, dressed to the nines. We, on the other hand, were chilling in jeans — after all, we’re in a vineyard in the mountains tossing balls around with the kids and making sure they stay out of the lake. Besides looking like they were at a movie premiere, Tareq and Michaele were gracious to our friends. They brought a bottle of Oasis wine to share and really seemed to enjoy both the visit and the Sugarleaf wines.

While strolling among the vines, I mentioned that we were going to Paris in a few days and flippantly said, “you should go” (Big Ballers). Jason’s brother Adam, a.k.a. Beat Assailant (B.A.), has lived in France over 10 years where he is a hip-hop sensation (who knew the French loved rap music? It’s the biggest market after the U.S.). He was dropping his third album, celebrating a hit single called “Spy” and headlining a sold-out concert at the historic Elysee Montmartre! Truth be told, I seriously didn’t think that anyone would book a trip to Paris with 72 hours notice for a concert (except maybe to see Prince or Bono). Jason and I actually work everyday, so we have to plan these things far in advance! Apparently, a quick jaunt to France was no biggie to the Salahis!

We did not talk to the Salahis after the vineyard visit, so imagine my surprise when we received a 7 a.m. call at our hotel in Paris from Michaele — “Hi Love, we’re here.” WHAT? WOW. So I can vouch for the fact that the Salahis are spontaneous and will “jet set” for fun. And, they didn’t crash Paris. While I certainly don’t agree with their decisions (and behavior) of late, I can say that they have been nothing but nice towards Jason and me from the outset. We drank Dom Perignon on the balcony of their lavish suite (overlooking Place Vendome) and danced like fools at the concert to five encores!

Personally, I SO admire people like Jerry, Lauren and Adam who follow their passions, conquer their fears and go for it! Jerry Bias wanted to create great wine so he bought land and a grape vine and started his vineyard from scratch. Do you know how hard that is to do?!?! Adam/Beat Assailant moved to Paris to pursue his music career not knowing a soul in the business or a lick of French. Ten years later, he is a recognized name there, is fluent in French, and has produced three popular albums! What was also cool (that you didn’t see on TV) was our family dinner in Paris at Jason’s cousin Charmaine’s flat. We had a big contingent of family and friends join us to celebrate. It was so nice to gather with my other family, even a million miles away from home.

Perhaps the atmosphere of family on that trip compelled me to share with Michaele a journey I’ve been on for the past nine years. It wasn’t until my parents were deceased and I had a medical need to know my birth history while pregnant that I became curious about finding my birth parents. This led me to discover that I am bi-racial with a Nigerian father! Imagine my surprise to find out that I am AFRICAN American with a nuclear family connection to Africa — but it also opened a door and a deep desire to know my roots and heritage, not just for me but also for my children.

In sharing this story, for the first time, I saw a “different side” to Michaele — a calmer, more engaged, more down to earth side. The only catalyst I can point out to explain the difference is that she was alone (no Tareq, for the first time ever!). So I saw a glimpse of “that girl,” originally known as “Missy” — the girl that Lynda and Mary remember (and liked) from “back in the day.” We will find out together who the real Salahis are as the show progresses and the events continue to unfold. Earth to Missy?…